Full Circle…

Seems that on July 19 I will have come full circle back to where I was six years ago… I was living once more with my sister and her husband because of another failed relationship. Thus this fully proves that people’s lives revolve in 5-7 year cycles and that the best of times and worst of times happens within this period of time… the trick is to find someone that is willing to stick by you and keep with it. Good luck with that one… huh?

A little over a year…

… and my world has gone to hell. My world has been turned upside down and for a while I felt like I was going to die. The man that I not only loved, but was in love with, decided that he was going to find his ex from high school (17 years ago) and make a new life with her. She left her husband of 16 years and he left his fiancé of 6 years in order to go back to the horribly selfish teenager that he was when he was in high school.

To see a man who had tried so hard to bring himself up from such a horrible past by working hard and making a life for himself where he was not dependent on anyone but himself become a man who is now on welfare because he wants to act like a love sick teenager is disgusting. He has come to a point in his life where he would rather live with someone who will destroy his life and take away his time from his children in order to fuck random people from bars in Hollywood without condoms because it seems fun rather than taking care of his children. People like him just deserve to die. They take advantage of the system, he is on welfare because he doesn’t want to work anymore so he quit his job and lives off of the state just like his ghetto trash girlfriend who is a lying manipulative person just like him.

There was a point where she and I met and talked and she tried to play me by saying she had no clue about what was going on… later I found letters that she had written him from the very beginning saying how she hated him coming home to me and sleeping with me. They both lie and try to manipulate  every situation they are in in order to get what they want out of the situation. There was so much time spent with me in his bed while he was telling her we were living completely separate… so much time spent going to the movies and time spent with his children that he was telling her I wasn’t there. God how can someone do this type of thing to another human being? Do people not realize that they aren’t in some make believe television show, that they are ruining another person’s life? I bet they never even give it a second thought. 

How can someone be so sincere to one person and then go behind their back and be so sincere to another person… only to be lying completely to both people. God I can’t believe that someone I loved so deeply could have done this type of thing… makes me kind of wonder about my judgment in general doesn’t it? After six years you would think you know a person huh?

Then to have them turn around and tell your child (even though I am not his birth mother I was still Mom to him) that everything was a lie, that all of the time spent school, the hours spent talking, the times spent together were all a lie... how does an autistic child deal with that kind of thing? They blame themselves, that's how...fucking asshole parents that don't learn from their parents mistakes... but choose to repeat them because it is easier than making the effort to be responsible parents. People like that make my heart hurt.

Wow today really was crazy... Too much to deal with sometimes. But what can one do?

Lessons from life

*sigh* Wow so much happens in soooo little time. It seems just a few months ago things were so different, but when I honestly look back on the calendar I see that things have progressively went from what they were to what they are. I remember a smile when he or I walked in the door soft kisses, passionate embraces, now it is attitude and generally ignoring me until he has had his time alone. I remember moments spent cuddling, but now that I look back it was more me than he. How have I kept the charade of being the happiest. *sigh* Sometimes all it feels like is my having to pester him and beg and plead for small things. He has told me that I am the one he sees himself with, the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, that he is in love with me... but can you really be in love with someone and make them feel like a thorn in your side at the same time? Is he just settling for me because he thinks he can't do any better? Or is he just keeping me here while he continues to have that wish of true love? *sigh* It makes my heart hurt when I think about how this might all work out. That I have put all I have to give into what we have and he won't even make himself a little uncomfortable for a few minutes to make me happy. God now I feel like I am being selfish. Gah! I just want to have a give and take I want maybe an hour a week where I don't have to fight for hugs, kisses or the small moments wheer his lips brush my forehead, his hand caresses me without being demanded. God I just want the small things out of life. I don't want someone to take care of me. I want to work together with someone, even if I don't work as many hours in a day, I still work just as hard for less money. God I just wish that for one moment he would respect the fact that I work and take care of our 11 year old son (whom I adore more than life itself)... but it's not even our son!!! I have taken on a child with high functioning autism, anger issues, developmental delays, no discipline, and no respect. I have taken on his son's mom who is seriously mentally deficient who has some major emotional problems, and cannot do a thing for herself or any of her four children. I have taken on his ex-wife (whom I love and adore and get along with amazingly) and his 9 year old daughter (whom I adore as much as the air I breath). But when it comes down to everything that I put up with and cope with and help him with... I don't even get a nice night once in a while where he doesn't complain or make a fuss over little things. I realize and appreciate that he works so hard. But there is nothing I can really do. Either I am with him in the capacity I am here now, or I go out and go to school while he works and supports us. With our son I don't know how he expects everything to get done without my being there. Sometimes I wonder how he thinks everything with our son has changed! How a boy who could not read, write or do basic math is now able to read with a 1st grade reading level and can do 5th grade basic algebra! It wasn't by him teaching himself that's for sure. God I feel that all the work I do is for nothing sometimes. I feel that when I have to bother him (and I do mean bother him, I can tell by the exasperation in his voice and general deflated posture and limp way his arms go around me) for simple hugs or affection that it should be that way. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because he doesn't see that everything he has been through has changed him and the way he interacts with people. Sometimes I get scared that he is going to just be finished with me one day for something stupid and not take into account everything that we have together, when he says that his heart can't be broken it litterally breaks mine. To me that feels that he does not love me enough to care if I stay or go. I sometimes wonder what he really feels for me. God would someone please just open his mind up figure it out and print me out a help manual? I just wish that one night I could make it so he wasn't so angry with life. I wish that we could have one full day and night where he could just love me and I could love him without any pretenses, that he could forget for a few minutes that it is him against the world and realize that I am there with him. It makes my eyes tear and puts a lump in my throat to hear him speak sometimes about how much he does, and how NO ONE helps with anything. It makes me feel like I am doing nothing and that he doesn't respect a thing that I have done for him. I wonder what he would say if I started keeping a daily tab of the things that I do and how much of them are for me and how much of them are for him. How many times have I helped him with work? Does he even realize that he wouldn't have the job he has now if I hadn't turned his new boss down because my guy had kids and needed it more than I did at the time? I swear sometimes it feels like I am standing in front of him with my heart in my hands offering it to him and he just knocks it into the dirt and does a silly dance on it while laughing and making my feel stupid for having offered anything to him in the first place. I just want what all stupid romantics want... someone to love and who will love me in return.

My first entry...

Wow... this is my first entry in my blog (blah-log is more than likely going to be more like it...) I don't know how exactly to start. This is a new place in my life for me. I am starting on my own, technically not my own, I am living with my sister and her husband until I can get a place of my own. I am making strides to be able and make my life a happy one. I left a man who did nothing but make me a miserable person. I remember sitting utterly alone while being in the company of another person. I think that is the lonliest moment that can ever occur in a person's life.