Lessons from life

*sigh* Wow so much happens in soooo little time. It seems just a few months ago things were so different, but when I honestly look back on the calendar I see that things have progressively went from what they were to what they are. I remember a smile when he or I walked in the door soft kisses, passionate embraces, now it is attitude and generally ignoring me until he has had his time alone. I remember moments spent cuddling, but now that I look back it was more me than he. How have I kept the charade of being the happiest. *sigh* Sometimes all it feels like is my having to pester him and beg and plead for small things. He has told me that I am the one he sees himself with, the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, that he is in love with me... but can you really be in love with someone and make them feel like a thorn in your side at the same time? Is he just settling for me because he thinks he can't do any better? Or is he just keeping me here while he continues to have that wish of true love? *sigh* It makes my heart hurt when I think about how this might all work out. That I have put all I have to give into what we have and he won't even make himself a little uncomfortable for a few minutes to make me happy. God now I feel like I am being selfish. Gah! I just want to have a give and take I want maybe an hour a week where I don't have to fight for hugs, kisses or the small moments wheer his lips brush my forehead, his hand caresses me without being demanded. God I just want the small things out of life. I don't want someone to take care of me. I want to work together with someone, even if I don't work as many hours in a day, I still work just as hard for less money. God I just wish that for one moment he would respect the fact that I work and take care of our 11 year old son (whom I adore more than life itself)... but it's not even our son!!! I have taken on a child with high functioning autism, anger issues, developmental delays, no discipline, and no respect. I have taken on his son's mom who is seriously mentally deficient who has some major emotional problems, and cannot do a thing for herself or any of her four children. I have taken on his ex-wife (whom I love and adore and get along with amazingly) and his 9 year old daughter (whom I adore as much as the air I breath). But when it comes down to everything that I put up with and cope with and help him with... I don't even get a nice night once in a while where he doesn't complain or make a fuss over little things. I realize and appreciate that he works so hard. But there is nothing I can really do. Either I am with him in the capacity I am here now, or I go out and go to school while he works and supports us. With our son I don't know how he expects everything to get done without my being there. Sometimes I wonder how he thinks everything with our son has changed! How a boy who could not read, write or do basic math is now able to read with a 1st grade reading level and can do 5th grade basic algebra! It wasn't by him teaching himself that's for sure. God I feel that all the work I do is for nothing sometimes. I feel that when I have to bother him (and I do mean bother him, I can tell by the exasperation in his voice and general deflated posture and limp way his arms go around me) for simple hugs or affection that it should be that way. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because he doesn't see that everything he has been through has changed him and the way he interacts with people. Sometimes I get scared that he is going to just be finished with me one day for something stupid and not take into account everything that we have together, when he says that his heart can't be broken it litterally breaks mine. To me that feels that he does not love me enough to care if I stay or go. I sometimes wonder what he really feels for me. God would someone please just open his mind up figure it out and print me out a help manual? I just wish that one night I could make it so he wasn't so angry with life. I wish that we could have one full day and night where he could just love me and I could love him without any pretenses, that he could forget for a few minutes that it is him against the world and realize that I am there with him. It makes my eyes tear and puts a lump in my throat to hear him speak sometimes about how much he does, and how NO ONE helps with anything. It makes me feel like I am doing nothing and that he doesn't respect a thing that I have done for him. I wonder what he would say if I started keeping a daily tab of the things that I do and how much of them are for me and how much of them are for him. How many times have I helped him with work? Does he even realize that he wouldn't have the job he has now if I hadn't turned his new boss down because my guy had kids and needed it more than I did at the time? I swear sometimes it feels like I am standing in front of him with my heart in my hands offering it to him and he just knocks it into the dirt and does a silly dance on it while laughing and making my feel stupid for having offered anything to him in the first place. I just want what all stupid romantics want... someone to love and who will love me in return.